“How do I find the right therapist?” This is one of the most common and important questions people ask when starting their mental health journey, and with good reason. Not every therapist is the right fit for every person.
The truth is, finding the right therapist is often a personal and evolving process. I have been through it myself. My first therapist and I really connected and did great work together. But when I had to change, my second experience was not the same. It just did not work. That is when I realized: finding the right therapist is not a one-time decision; it is an ongoing journey.
In this guide, I will walk you through three essential areas:
- Common traps to avoid while searching for a therapist
- Key factors to consider when choosing a therapist
- Red flags that may signal a therapist is not the right fit
Let us begin.
4 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Searching for a Therapist
Before you dive into booking sessions, it is important to be aware of a few common mistakes that can slow down your progress or even discourage you from starting therapy at all. Here are four pitfalls to watch out for, and how to avoid them.
1. Getting Stuck in the Search
Some people spend months browsing therapist websites, reading endless testimonials, and asking everyone they know for recommendations. This perfectionistic approach can leave you stuck—still struggling, still not getting the help you need.
The goal of therapy is not to find the “perfect” therapist; it is to begin healing. Spending too long in research mode delays the progress you could already be making.
2. Shopping Around Too Much
Seeing 5, 10, even 15 therapists for one-off sessions can start to feel like “window shopping.” It makes the decision harder instead of easier, especially when each session only gives you a surface-level feel for the therapist.
Instead of chasing perfection, aim for good enough. Once you find someone who feels like a potential fit, give the relationship time to grow. Therapy is not a one-session fix, it is a journey you build together.
3. Using the Search to Avoid Starting
Sometimes, the real reason we obsess over finding the right therapist is that we are afraid to actually start therapy. That fear is completely normal. The idea of opening up to a stranger about your struggles can be intimidating.
If you notice yourself putting off therapy by endlessly researching therapists, take a moment to ask yourself: Am I ready, or am I avoiding?
Therapy does not require you to feel 100% prepared. It just requires the willingness to begin.
4. Letting Someone Else Do It for You
If you are feeling burned out or overwhelmed, it might be tempting to let a partner or friend take over the therapist search. But therapy is your journey. You need to be the one to make the call, send the email, and have the first conversation.
If you are not ready to do that, it might mean you are not yet ready for the deeper work that therapy involves. Your involvement from the beginning matters, it sets the tone for the relationship you will build.
What to Consider When Choosing a Therapist
Now that you are ready to start therapy, it is time to look at what really matters when choosing a therapist, both the practical details and the personal fit.
1. Practical Factors
Start with the basics. What are your non-negotiables?
- Location: Online, in-person, or hybrid?
- Cost: What can you realistically afford?
- Insurance: Will you get reimbursed, and how important is that to you?
- Availability: Do they have open slots soon, or are they booked for months?
About insurance: Yes, we would all love free or fully covered mental healthcare. But waiting months for a therapist covered by your insurance might not be realistic, especially if your mental health is in crisis.
If you cannot wait, consider options like private pay, sliding-scale rates, or therapists who offer discounts. Always prioritize your mental health. Reimbursement is nice, but it should not be the main factor driving your decision. If you live in the Netherlands, this article on the healthcare system can help you better understand your options and make an informed choice.
2. Credentials and Experience
Ask yourself: Does this therapist have experience with your challenges?
Someone might look amazing on paper, but if you are struggling with an eating disorder and they have never treated one, they may not be the best fit. Look for therapists who mention your issue in their bio or who have specialized training.
You can, and should, ask questions:
- What experience do you have with [your issue]?
- What kind of training have you had?
- Are you trauma-informed, and if so, what courses or methods do you use?
These are not interrogations. You are simply making sure they are equipped to help you. Therapists appreciate clients who are thoughtful and intentional in their questions.
3. Personality and Style
Some people love a relaxed, humorous therapist. Others prefer someone more structured and formal. Neither is wrong, it is about fit. Do you feel comfortable talking to this person? Do they make you feel safe? Do you feel heard?
Remember, therapy is built on connection. If something feels off, even if everything looks good on paper, it might not be the right match.
6 Red Flags to Watch Out for in a Therapist
Even with the best intentions, not every therapist will be the right fit. As you begin your sessions, keep an eye out for these red flags. They can signal that the therapeutic relationship may not be safe, effective, or supportive for your growth.
1. Blurred Boundaries: Switching Roles
A little self-disclosure from a therapist can help build connection. But when a therapist shares too much—especially unrelated personal stories—you may start to feel like you are taking care of them.
If you know more about your therapist’s life than they know about yours, that is a sign something is off. Therapy should never make you feel guilty for leaving, like you are abandoning a friend. That is not your role.
2. Judgmental Attitude Toward Your Life
Therapists should never make you feel ashamed or judged. That includes subtle cues like eye-rolling, sighing, or dismissive comments. Therapy should feel safe, supportive, and accepting, even when you are discussing your hardest moments.
3. Inappropriate Relationships or Boundary Crossings
Flirting, personal messaging between sessions, or extended sessions without discussion—these are all signs of poor boundaries. It is okay for feelings to arise. We are all human. But it is your therapist’s job to hold a clear and professional boundary at all times.
4. Being Unprepared for Sessions
As therapy continues, your therapist should show up prepared. If they constantly forget what you worked on last time, jump between unrelated topics, or show no sense of progress, it may mean they are not planning or reflecting on your sessions. That lack of care will make you feel unseen and unimportant—and rightly so.
5. Avoiding Emotions
Some therapists are more comfortable staying on the surface with cognitive techniques. But if they consistently avoid emotions or deeper issues, it may mean they are emotionally avoidant themselves.
You deserve someone who is willing to sit with you in your discomfort and help you work through it.
6. Lack of Reliability and Safety
If your therapist frequently cancels, reschedules last minute, or forgets sessions altogether, especially without acknowledging the impact, that is a big red flag. Reliability and consistency are key parts of feeling emotionally safe in therapy. Without that, trust cannot grow.
Take-Home Message
Finding the right therapist is not about finding a perfect one, it is about finding someone good enough who is willing to grow with you. If something in this article resonated, or if you have more questions, feel free to comment below. You are not alone in this process.
And if you are looking for a therapist, visit Antiloneliness.com. We are a team of 20 psychologists with a variety of backgrounds, therapeutic styles, and areas of expertise. Each one of us is here to support your mental health journey with compassion, tools, and guidance.
Thank you for reading. I hope this helped you feel more prepared, and less overwhelmed, when it comes to choosing a therapist. Take care.
