In the past, each December I found myself engaged (sometimes in a frenetic way), determining what my New Year's Resolutions would be. The first thing I would do is go back to the last year's list and tick all those that have been achieved. Most of the times the result was somewhere between "ok" and "satisfying" and if there are a few unsuccessful resolutions, I just convinced myself that those were not important enough to make it to the final round. My next step step was to figure out what I wanted for the following year. The last two years though, my New Year Resolution list is somewhat different. For some strange reason, I keep asking myself "If you already know where you're heading, why do you need a list"?
Why Do We Set New Year's Resolutions?
It makes sense why we need goals and resolutions.
Because when we have goals:
- We feel we are evolving, changing, becoming better versions of ourselves.
- We need structure, rules and lists to remind us of what's right and what's wrong.
- We feel safer when we are disciplined; it feels like things are under control (extra emphasis on "feels like").
- We have something to anticipate: our future-self is always supposed to be smarter and more successful.
- We are proud of ourselves when we achieve them.
- We like to be challenged and step out of our comfort zone.
Is Setting Goals Enough?
I understand that we need goals for all these reasons. But is this a good reason in order to keep us building lists with goals and resolutions, and torturing ourselves with unreachable targets and extremely high expectations?
Take a look at your New Year's Resolutions last year: Were all the points in the list in line with your priorities? Did you WANT to achieve them or did you feel you HAD TO?
After the end of one of my courses on Procrastination, I noticed a significant change in the participants' mindset. They had goals before the course, and continued having them after the course. However, the difference afterwards was in how they saw their goals afterwards: and that was with Value and Focus.
Let's use some examples to make it more specific:
- If my New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 kilos, and I don't know WHY I am choosing this (maybe only because I have been saying so for the last 5 years or maybe because everyone else does), then this is bound to fail. I just made a deal that bears lots of sweat and tears for me and there is high chance that I will drop this goal if I don't know why I have to suffer for it.
- If my New Year's Resolution is to find more friends, but I don't know why this is important in my life and how it will make me happier, then I will soon drop it and at the same time I will feel very bad about myself.
We need goals. But not some random goals.
What we need is to know:
1. what we consider important in life (values)
2. what our next priority is (focus)
Back to our examples:
- If what I consider important in life (values) is "Health" and my focus is to create healthy habits in my life, then losing 10 kilos is a part of a big-picture goal, and not a goal itself. Losing 10 kilos will be one of many elements of this new direction: e.g. more exercise, trips to nature, eating more veggies, walking to work instead of taking the car, bi-annual health check-ups, healthy body image, self-respect, non-negotiable self-care, you name it.
- If what I consider important in life (values) is deep and real connections with people of common values, then I will not aim to add another hundred people in my network just for the sake of socializing. But I will try to make the most out of the relationships that I already have and which already fulfill my social life.
How To Set New Year's Resolutions The Right Way
In a nutshell.
Say NO to:
- in-between goals; goals which are not "no", but they don't feel as a "yes" either.
- tasks and goals that don't have a home, they don't belong to a bigger goal.
- goals and resolutions which don't add meaning and value to your life.
- the happiness trap, believing that once we achieve these goals we will be happy all the time
Say YES to New Year Resolutions if :
- they are part of a big plan
- they are connected to one or more of your life values
- they thrill you, they excite you, they are YOU!
- they make you proud for the person you are becoming and the life you are leading
Our New NYE Resolutions
What if this year we change the habit? Instead of compiling a list of "must-do's" and "should-do's", let's ask ourselves:
- What are the goals that will serve these values in my life? Our VALUES are our compass; they are showing the way. The goals are the stepping stones in order for us to create a life that lives up to our values.
- Are we writing down things that are important to us or are we trying to make ourselves more important by writing down as many things as possible?
- Are the goals we are setting for the new year KIND, COMPASSIONATE, REALISTIC goals?
- Can we figure out first what our top-3 values in life are, pick one area that needs change or more effort, and then focus on the first step to bring it closer?
- Last but not least, who are we going to be when we fulfill this goal? Let's not idolise happiness here. In a year from now we want to look back and feel proud that we lived our life according to our values. And that's the biggest (and hardest) accomplishment of all!
Sounds like a good plan for me. ;-)
Happy holidays to all!
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