Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship? It is often the case that after we get out of a relationship, we look back and we see all the things we couldn’t see when we were in the relationship: the pain, the rejection, the lack of respect and boundaries. But if it’s so painful, why isn’t it easier for us to see clearly what is best for us and leave a toxic relationship sooner rather than later?
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In your relationship, are you a pursuer or a withdrawer? When fighting with your partner, do you prefer to:
A - Ask for explanations, blame, push, overanalyse, criticise or B - Retreat, shut down, walk away, avoid or find distraction? If A, you are probably a pursuer. And I say “probably” because there is another type of pursuer, I will explain later. If B, then you are probably a withdrawer. A pursuer or a withdrawer is a role we (have learned to) take in a relationship when there is a conflict. The conflict may be of small or big importance. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the emotional importance the individual gives to the conflict. Or, How to go from avoidance to safe connectionThe Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Are you familiar with the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde? It’s based on the novella of Robert Louis Stevenson and the story is about a man that he is a respectful and kind doctor during the day, when the night falls he turns into a heartless evil, killing innocent people. What Stevenson is trying to describe here is the duality of human nature; in other words how the shifting between “good” and “bad” is part of our inner struggles and how hard it is to incorporate both in order to come in peace and in acceptance of the inevitable existence of both these elements in our lives.
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