Let's clarify "Self-Care"
In my previous blog post, I talked about boundaries, which for me is core to the act of self-care. Without boundaries, self-care is a non-starter. This post is a continuation, and talks about self-care, and its importance in motherhood. It is interesting to hear different perceptions of what self-care entails, and what mothers may say about self-care. It typically can sound something like this...
It is definitely old-school practice. Our parents did it, their parents did it to them. It was* considered one of the "top" parenting styles, in order to bring up disciplined and respectful children.
Nothing could have prepared us for the massive impact we would see nowadays on adults who have been spanked when children. No one could have foreseen the trauma it caused and the shame, the sadness and the disgrace it brought along.
*I say "was" because I prefer to hope that this practice belongs to the past. It horrifies me to think that some cultures or sub-cultures still believe in this practice.
The "Good Enough" mother is the one...
...who doesn't need to be perfect, who doesn't judge others for not being perfect and who teaches her child the beauty not being perfect and of being different among people. And therefore she takes a lot of (perfectionism) stress off her child's shoulder.
...who accepts the love that her child feels for her, but who also equally accepts all the other feelings that may come from the child, even anger or rejection.
...who admits that she has feelings of unconditional love for her child, but also acknowledges that there will be moments in everyday life when she will be experiencing more negative and overwhelming feelings. She is well aware that these uncomfortable, conflicting feelings cannot erase or even diminish her loving side.
Children understand everything they hear and see around them. Probably not in the way we adults perceive reality around us, but in their own unique way. And when they hear the news, the shocking, terrible news on the TV, they get the feeling that something bad is happening, or is going to happen (even if they don't understand the details of it). And they are scared. Terrified. And they don't feel safe anymore. Especially when they see their own parents feeling the same way, they feel helpless.
Children sometimes lack perspective of the world around them. They hear about something that happened in India while they live in Oslo, and they feel that this is happening ...next door. They cannot understand how big the world is or how far from them is what happened. They even think that if they move to another house, they will feel safe again. Listen and attend to their need: safety.
When perfectionism runs in the family
It is quite common, although worrying, to see children or teenagers trapped in a negative self-talk about their achievements ("I am not good enough", "I always fail", "I should have tried more"), their performance ("I am so stupid", "Why others always get better grades than me?"), their popularity ("I have no friends", "I will be forever alone", "I feel like a burden to my friends") or their appearance ("I am so fat", I have ugly face", "No one likes me"). Sooner or later, they start being less sociable, they spend more time in their room, their eating habits change, they are less cheerful and more sad, they get easily irritated, they take everything more personally.
HOME IS WHERE YOUR HEART IS.