 "My partner can not change." "Since we are not getting along now, how can I hope that we will do better in the future?" "She hurt me. She deserves the same." "It's not fair to have to try all by myself." "We should both try - I see no reason why it's only me that should change." "Only my way of thinking is right." "There's no problem with me. If my partner changes, then everything will be fine." "I had no problem in my life until I got married." Resistance To Change in RelationshipsAccording to Dr. Aaron T. Beck*, if these thoughts occur regularly to you, then you need to examine their reliability. These beliefs may come up as automatic thoughts every time we think of "change". And they are very rarely completely reliable. Of course, there are cases where one partner is indeed not open to change - e.g. if a woman is in love with someone else, or if a man is determined to get a divorce. Then, it is difficult -if not impossible- to salvage the relationship. However, those who wish to rekindle their relationship can start by trying to control the emergence of these self-defeating beliefs. If you find yourself having these thoughts, then this article is for you. Related:5 Negative Thoughts About Relationships & What To Think Instead"My partner can not change."This statement is actually always wrong. All people are capable of following useful tips and changing for the better. Whether your partner is willing to change is another thing. But if you yourself make some changes, this by itself can provoke changes in the relationship with your partner. What we are actually saying here is that you cannot force anyone to change. And can do so even less if you, yourself are not willing to change. Moreover, you need to keep in mind that people constantly change during their lifetime. Our central nervous system is organized to encourage the learning of new and improved behaviours and strategies. It is only within loving and safe environments that people can change and develop, and not within environments where they feel criticized and unwelcome. "Since we are not getting along now, how can I hope that we will do better in the future?"This does not necessarily require "hard work". It can be as simple as planning to dine out together once a week or decide to tell each other an interesting personal story every day. These activities may introduce a small, new element of satisfaction, beginning to shift the balance towards happiness. Despite some similarities in taste and personality, most people who marry have huge differences. But very few are those who know how to reconcile those differences. If you misinterpret these difficulties and see them as a sign of an "unhealthy" or "problematic" relationship, you are missing some good opportunities for positive development within your relationship. But most importantly, you are missing the chance to accept your relationship, your partner and yourself as not-perfect, but for what they have to offer, for what they truly are and the fact they are worth being loved. Related:"She hurt me. She deserves the same." "There's no problem with me. If my partner changes, then everything will be fine."If your reactions lead your relationship to a dead end, then they're certainly self-destructive, even if they seem justified. The fact that your partner reacts in this way is not a reason to hurt each other, even though your reason for doing so may seem justified. The cycle of emotional exhaustion and revenge never ends. One should take the initiative to break the cycle - and the one to do so may well be you. "It's not fair to have to try all by myself." "We should both try - I see no reason why it's only me that should change."Introducing the principle of justice, you are operating on a rather irrelevant or unrealistic level. The most likely reason that you and your partner may not go hand in hand in your efforts is that you differ on the motivation, the awareness of the problems and the ability to make changes. For example, you might be much more capable of taking the initiative, simply because you are more optimistic. Or you may be experiencing much greater pain, something that motivates you more than your partner. It is not necessary that both partners start up simultaneously. One of the two must take the initiative to breathe a new life into the relationship or prevent it reaching a dead-end. So if you move in the right direction, there is a reasonable chance that your partner will follow you. In essence, the argument "it is not fair" is not functional, simply because it ignores the reality of differences between partners. It is better to accept the "unfairness" and to accomplish something than to "get stuck" in the abstract concepts of justice and see your relationship fail. Related:"There's no problem with me. If my partner changes, then everything will be fine." "Only my way of thinking is right." "I had no problem in my life until I got married."Even if you think your partner is responsible for your problems, emphasizing your partner’s faults may constitute the symptom of a problematic relationship. Your perception of the behaviour of your partner may be inflated or distorted. What an objective observer would classify as just weird or different may seem to you outrageous or ridiculous. Therefore, the best method is to ignore the "irrational" behaviour and concentrate on what you can do to reduce your dissatisfaction: give emphasis to the cause, not the result. Avoid generalizations or comparisons, especially when you are emotionally biased. The only thing you will have in the end is a "black or white" perspective of your life and your relationship, where everything is either wonderful or awful. And this is way beyond reality and the realistic expectations for a relationship. *Aaron T. Beck is the father of cognitive therapy (CBT), he has won numerous awards for his research on psychological problems and is the author of groundbreaking books on depression and anxiety. What's Next?
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