ANTI-LONELINESS
  • Home
  • About
    • Me
    • Loneliness
    • The Project
    • My Team
    • Testimonials
    • Privacy Policy
  • Services
    • Therapy & Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Online Counseling
    • Supervision
    • Internship
    • Support Groups >
      • Divorce Support Group
      • Grief Support Group
  • Academy
    • Academy for All
    • All Courses
    • From Conflict to Connection
    • How to stop Perfectionism
    • How much of a Perfectionist are you?
    • Burnout Recovery: from exhaustion to resilience
    • How to stop Procrastinating
    • Σεμιναριο για τις σχεσεις
    • Divorce Recovery Programme
    • Grief Recovery Programme
  • Blog
    • Loneliness
    • Self-Development
    • Relationships
    • Family
  • RESOURCES
    • Extra Resources
    • In the Media
    • BOOKS >
      • Books for everyone
      • Books for professionals
    • CARDS
  • Contact
  • Home
  • About
    • Me
    • Loneliness
    • The Project
    • My Team
    • Testimonials
    • Privacy Policy
  • Services
    • Therapy & Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Online Counseling
    • Supervision
    • Internship
    • Support Groups >
      • Divorce Support Group
      • Grief Support Group
  • Academy
    • Academy for All
    • All Courses
    • From Conflict to Connection
    • How to stop Perfectionism
    • How much of a Perfectionist are you?
    • Burnout Recovery: from exhaustion to resilience
    • How to stop Procrastinating
    • Σεμιναριο για τις σχεσεις
    • Divorce Recovery Programme
    • Grief Recovery Programme
  • Blog
    • Loneliness
    • Self-Development
    • Relationships
    • Family
  • RESOURCES
    • Extra Resources
    • In the Media
    • BOOKS >
      • Books for everyone
      • Books for professionals
    • CARDS
  • Contact

Why is it hard to be kind to myself?

5/2/2020

0 Comments

 

What is Self-Compassion?

Picture
"Be kind to yourself."
​

We can hear this quite a lot, but what does it actually mean? Being kind to ourselves relates to the act of self-compassion. Before we think about self-compassion, let’s focus our attention to compassion. Compassion is the process of being aware of suffering in others and the drive to do something about that in order to sooth or prevent it. The word compassion may hold different connotations for us.

Different definitions we give to compassion

It could be that we think of kindness, acceptance, warmth, understanding, and being non-judgemental. These are all really positive connotations that encourage the experience of positive emotions.
However, it could be that for you compassion has more negative connotations such as weakness, guilt, pity, being selfish or having a lack of drive, and in turn this is more likely to encourage the experience of negative emotions.
​So, just thinking about the word compassion can bring things up for us; positive or negative. 

The three elements of self-compassion

Self-compassion relates to applying the same principles as compassion, but to ourselves; the act of recognising when we are suffering, and doing something to relieve the suffering. It is important to note that self-compassion involves having awareness and understanding of our shortcomings, but not judging or criticising ourselves for them. Kristin Neff suggests that there are three elements to self-compassion:
  1. Self-kindness instead of self-judgement. Stopping the judgements and criticisms of ourselves, understanding our shortcomings, and comforting ourselves. 
  2. Common humanity instead of isolation:  Recognising that suffering can be part of the human condition, others experience it too, and you are not alone in this experience. 
  3. Mindfulness instead of over-identification: Being aware of and noticing in a non-judgmental way when we are experiencing suffering – “we can’t heal what we can’t feel” (Neff, 2015, p. 80)

Why is self-compassion a challenge?

Firstly, as we have seen, the process of self-compassion is more complex than we may initially think. It requires some level of awareness, introspection, acceptance, and the motivation to take action. We also have to think about our previous experiences, and issues like culture, religious beliefs, parenting styles, thinking about what we have biologically inherited (which is not our fault), and how this shapes our ability to be compassionate with ourselves. Self-compassion is something that needs attention and nurturance; it is not something that will appear by just thinking we are being kind to ourselves by doing something nice for ourselves. 
From a Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) perspective, there are two elements which it aims to develop. The first is: understanding, approaching and engaging with suffering and distress. This requires courage. It is not an easy thing to do, and it can be a challenge to tolerate the distress when the easier thing might be to avoid paying attention to it. The second is the drive and motivation to relieve the suffering, address the cause and prevent it from happening in the future. This takes dedication and wisdom. It requires attention, effort and commitment. These are elements in which we may need help or support, and that is ok.
​Self-compassion is complex.

Related:

Why it's so hard to practice self-compassion [ARTICLE]

It's in our biology

Let’s think from an evolutionary psychology perspective. Our brains are complex. Paul Gilbert talks about the role of three systems that we have: the threat, drive and soothing systems. Each of these has an important function in managing our emotions; however adverse, early experiences can create an imbalance in these systems causing us to experience unwanted thoughts and emotions, like shame, being sensitive to criticism, self-criticism, and anxiety, to name a few.
Picture

The threat system

The threat system is all about identifying threats and keeping us safe. Due to evolution we can spot threats quickly, and this system is about motivating us to take action. It does this by triggering powerful emotions like fear or anxiety; this in turn activates our flight/fight/freeze response (escape or avoid/attack/submission). The freeze response can create feelings of shame. It is the most powerful system as its primary concern is our survival. Therefore this has the consequence of taking up a lot of mental energy, and if this system is constantly running we may hold beliefs about the world being scary and dangerous which can make us feel anxious and hyper-vigilant to potential threats. When it is in balance with the drive and soothing system it can help with seeing potential threats, but without disupting our lives and sabotaging our goals.

The drive system

The next system is the drive system which is the part that motivates us to get our needs met. It alerts to opportunities and makes us work towards meeting our goals. On a basic level this could be food, safety or comfort, and on a higher level, achievement and success (think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs). The important brain chemical in this system is dopamine, which can also be known as the ‘reward chemical’ – it makes us feel good. Imagine the experience of achieving something we want; the rush or ‘high’ we get with that. This is the drive system at work. 

Related:

How to practice Self-Love and Self-Compassion [COURSE]

The soothing system

So, unlike the threat and drive systems, the soothing system is all about calmness, contentment and peacefulness. This works when there are no threats or goals to be met. This system uses different chemicals – oxytocin and endorphins. It allows us to self-sooth and sooth others. It is associated with care, acceptance, kindness, warmth and support. These elements can defuse the more negative experiences of the threat and drive systems. The soothing system can be underused or blocked especially for individuals who have experienced trauma, stressful incidents, or negative childhood events. Some people may even associate the feeling of closeness with threat. Also if this system is underused it can create the experience of shame and self-criticism, leading to stress and the triggering of stress-hormones, hostility and impairing interactions with others.

Restoring the balance

So, if we think solely from this biological perspective, self-compassion is hard because we may have drive and threat systems that are overused, and a soothing system that is underused because of our previous experiences. These systems are activated as a part of our biology. This is not our fault, however we can work to restore the balance between these systems in order to develop skills to self-sooth and feel compassion towards ourselves. 

Related:

How To Build Self-Kindness: 4 Best Exercises and Tips [ARTICLE]

What would you say to a friend?

Some of us may find it easier to be compassionate to other people who are experiencing a tough time or having a negative experience. Therefore, it can be useful to think about what we would say to a friend who is experiencing suffering. There may be something about this that is easier than showing ourselves compassion. 

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we'd give to a good friend.” (Kristin Neff)

Thinking about this could be the first step in reflecting on using self-compassionate, what experiences have influences this, and the messages we can give ourselves. 

Take action!

  • Sign up for my newsletter here and get the FREE 40-page guide/workbook on Self-Care filled with practical tips that can make your life more peaceful and balanced.  
  • Get your FREE Guide "How much of a Perfectionist are you?" and find out which of the features you own are highly related to your Perfectionism.
  • Visit AntiLoneliness Academy for more workshops and courses on Self-Growth and Relationships. 
  • ​Book recommendations on Mindfulness, Anxiety & Depression:
    • The Anxiety and Worry Workbook
    • Wherever you go, there you are 
    • Don't believe everything you feel
    • Practicing Mindfulness
    • Mindfulness workbook for teens
  • Watch our videos with Psychology tips and insights on Relationships, Perfectionism, Anxiety, Burnout, etc. 
  • Read more articles on Relationships, Self-Development, Loneliness, and Perfectionism here: Blog. ​
  • Don't let anxiety pull you down, contact me and start your own therapy journey in order to get you out of this negative circle. ​
  • Join our Facebook page and Instagram page and read more posts about self-development. ​

Resources

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. CA: New Harbinger Publications. 
Neff, K. (2015). Self Compassion. Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. Yellow Kite Books: London.
https://self-compassion.org/
https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/
​Written by Helena Virk, M.Sc.
Psychologist at AntiLoneliness ​
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Self-Development

    TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.


    Know Yourself. 
    YOU are responsible for how you feel. The others behave in the way they want, but they have nothing to do with the way you perceive their behavior and consequently how you feel. 
    It's merely your decision. 

    Categories

    All
    Acceptance
    Achievement
    Addiction
    Alone
    Anger
    Angry
    Antiloneliness
    Anxiety
    Apps
    Attachment
    Autism
    Avoidance
    Balance
    Belonging
    Blocking-feelings
    Blocking-feelings
    Body
    Books
    Boundaries
    Brain
    Broken Heart
    Burnout
    Busy Women
    Calm
    Cbt
    Change
    Childhood
    Christmas
    Colouring-book
    Comfort-zone
    Comfort-zone
    Comparisons
    Compassion
    Compassionate
    Confusion
    Connection
    Control
    Cope
    Coping-mechanism
    Coping Mechanisms
    Copping Strategies
    Coronavirus
    Counseling
    Critic
    Criticism
    Cycle Of Negative Thinking
    Cycle Of Negativity
    Decision
    Decision-making
    Decision-making
    Delaying
    Denial
    Depressed
    Depression
    Disappointment
    Discomfort
    Discomfrot
    Eating Disorders
    Emotional Awareness
    Emotional Eating
    Emotional Intelligence
    Emotional Needs
    Emotional Support Animal
    Emotional Triggers
    Emotions
    Empath
    Empathy
    Escape Negative Thinking
    Expat Life
    Express Anger
    Failure
    Family
    Fear
    Fear-of-failure
    Fear-of-failure
    Fears
    Feelings
    Focus
    Food
    Forest Therapy
    Freedom
    Gerascophobia
    Giving Up
    Goal
    Good Enough
    Grateful
    Grief
    Guilt
    Gutbrain-connection
    Gut-feeling
    Happiness
    Help
    Highly Sensitive Person
    High Standards
    Holidays
    Hope
    Hopelessness
    How-to-make-the-right-decision
    Hsp
    Imperfection
    Inner Critic
    Inner-critic
    Inner Peace
    Intuition
    Joy
    Judging
    Kindness
    Laziness
    Learned Helplessness
    Learning
    Life
    Loneliness
    Love
    Make The Perect Decision
    Meaning
    Meditation
    Mental Health
    Migraine
    Mindfullness
    Mindfulness
    Mistakes
    Motivation
    Narcissism
    Nature
    Negative Spiral
    Negative Thinking
    Negative Thinking Pattern
    Negative Thoughts
    New Year Resolution
    Not Alone
    Other People's Opinion
    Pain
    Pandemic
    Panic Attacks
    Parenting
    Parents
    Partner
    Perfectionism
    Perfectionist
    Physical Symptoms
    Postponing
    Present
    Procrastination
    Psychologist
    Psychology
    Psychosomatics
    Psychosomatic-symptoms
    PTSD
    Relationships
    Relief
    Rest
    Ruminating
    Sadness
    Safety
    Scared
    Schemas
    Self Awareness
    Self Care
    Self Compassion
    Self-compassion
    Self Confidence
    Self-doubt
    Self Esteem
    Self-esteem
    Self Improvement
    Self-improvement
    Self Kindness
    Self-kindness
    Self Love
    Self-love
    Self Sabotage
    Sensitive
    Service Dog
    Shame
    Shock
    Signs
    Sleep
    Smartphones
    Social Media
    Stress
    Struggle
    Struggling
    Suffer
    Suffering
    Support
    Suppressed Anger
    Suppression
    Technology
    Therapy
    Therapy Dog
    The Right Decision
    Thinking
    Threat
    Time-management
    Tips
    Toxic Shame
    Trauma
    Trauma Response
    Trigger
    Trust
    Uncertainty
    Values
    Vassia-sarantopoulou
    Vassia-sarantopoulou
    What-to-do
    Women
    Work
    Workaholism
    Work Life Balance
    Workload
    Workplace
    Workplan
    Workshop
    Worrying

    RSS Feed

Counseling

Personal Counseling
Couples Counseling
OnLine Counseling 
​
GROUP COUNSELING 

​Grief Support
Divorce Support 
​Therapy Group 

Blog

Loneliness
​Self-Development
Relationships
​Family 

About

Me
​My Team
Contact 
​The Cards
Privacy Policy ​
NIP Psycholoog
Vassia Sarantopoulou
Head Psychologist - Founder of AntiLoneliness

​Therapy for expats and locals 
Leiden - The Hague - online 
​

Member of the Netherlands Institute of Psychologists (NIP)

© COPYRIGHT 2022. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.