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Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship?

12/9/2020

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Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship?

Toxic and healthy realtionships
It is often the case that after we get out of a relationship, we look back and we see all the things we couldn’t see when we were in the relationship: the pain, the rejection, the lack of respect and boundaries. But if it’s so painful, why isn’t it easier for us to see clearly what is best for us and leave a toxic relationship sooner rather than later?


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Are you a pursuer or a withdrawer?

12/9/2020

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In your relationship, are you a pursuer or a withdrawer?

Withdrawer - pursuer in relationships - gay couple
When fighting with your partner, do you prefer to:
A - Ask for explanations, blame, push, overanalyse, criticise or
B - Retreat, shut down, walk away, avoid or find distraction?



If A, you are probably a pursuer. And I say “probably” because there is another type of pursuer, I will explain later.
​If B, then you are probably a withdrawer.

A pursuer or a withdrawer is a role we (have learned to) take in a relationship when there is a conflict. The conflict may be of small or big importance. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the emotional importance the individual gives to the conflict.


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That's one of the hardest parts of a  relationship.

4/9/2019

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Or, How to go from avoidance to safe connection

The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

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Are you familiar with the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde? It’s based on the novella of Robert Louis Stevenson and the story is about a man that he is a respectful and kind doctor during the day, when the night falls he turns into a heartless evil, killing innocent people. What Stevenson is trying to describe here is the duality of human nature; in other words how the shifting between “good” and “bad” is part of our inner struggles and how hard it is to incorporate both in order to come in peace and in acceptance of the inevitable existence of both these elements in our lives. 


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"It's not you, it's me": the pain of Rejection.

18/6/2019

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Rejection in Relationships
The experience of rejection has so many guises that it has become a very common emotional experience. Throughout our lives we experience rejections in many forms: being picked last for a team game at school, not being invited to a classmate’s birthday party, being knocked back for a promotion, rebuffed through internet dating, being excluded from a social gathering with friends, rejection of partner’s intimate advances and what can be the most painful for some, the break-up of an intimate relationship.


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The emotional rollercoaster of a divorce

31/1/2019

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The emotional rollercoaster of a divorce

Emotional Rollercoaster of divorce
Everyone knows how horrible it is to lose a dear person and to have to figure out your life after this loss. However, I was surprised to read the other day about the impact of death and divorce in a person’s life and how close they were in terms of influence in our life. Although it seems that the loss of a loved person is one of the worst moments of someone’s life, research shows that divorce’s emotional impact resembles the size of a permanent loss.


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No strings-attached? Let’s talk about fear of commitment.

27/11/2018

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“Commitment”. “Dedication”. “Loyalty”. These are the words that we have either related with deep and meaningful relationships, or in other cases with a feeling of heavy responsibility. However, these plain words can even make us feel trapped, hopeless or even ready to flee.

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Why we need to be lonely sometimes 

16/5/2016

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Let's start with clarifying the difference between alone and lonely. 
"Alone" is when you find yourself in your own company and that it feels ok. It's when you feel content being and doing things alone, independently. 
"Lonely", on the other hand, is a feeling of estrangement and emotional distance from the people around you which causes you distress. You can be in the middle of a group of friends and still feel disconnected from them, that something is missing. It's when an overwhelming combination of feelings like shame, guilt, sadness, regret and unworthiness, creep in silently when you least expect it. But when they come, they come in huge waves dragging you down to the bottom of your emotional ocean. 



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Resistance to Change 

10/2/2016

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​"My partner can not change."
"Since we are not getting along now, how can I hope that we will do better in the future?"
"She hurt me. She deserves the same."
"It's not fair to have to try all by myself."
"We should both try - I see no reason why it's only me that should change."
"Only my way of thinking is right."
"There's no problem with me. If my partner changes, then everything will be fine."
"I had no problem in my life until I got married."

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Why people like the role of the "victim"? 

7/1/2016

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​In interpersonal relationships, the position of the victim is one of the most popular ones. Everybody pushes, pulls, plays tricks, trips others, uses others, exhausts their resources and their minds, usually unwittingly and unconsciously, and eventually placing themselves in the position of the victim.


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Forgiveness: the end of being hurt 

23/10/2015

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Forgiveness is considered by many as the redemption of a burden: the one that someone carries when he has been betrayed by a significant Other, or when he has been cheated, mistaken, or abandoned.

Many times we choose forgiveness for social reasons, because "we have to". We wear the mask of "it's OK for me, as long as 
you are OK." But by acting this way, we skip the healthy process of "recovery" from our trauma. We go through all the “allowed” stages of emotional reactions and never express our anger, but lock it somewhere deep inside us.


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    Relationships

    YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.

    To be with someone else in an intimate relationship means that we entitle them with our love, friendship, partnership, etc, and most of the times this is irrelevant of their talents, values, morals. No skill can lead to an emotional decision. Therefore, we can feel the same passion for a hero or for a coward. Being loved is not something we earned (like a job through an interview), but something that was given to us generously, like an unspoken favor. Thus, love means to live in the eternal coexistence of terror and miracle. (Pascal Bruckner)

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Vassia Sarantopoulou
Head Psychologist - Founder of AntiLoneliness

​Therapy for expats and locals 
Leiden - The Hague - Utrecht - Rotterdam - online 
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Member of the Netherlands Institute of Psychologists (NIP)

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  • Home
  • About
    • Me
    • Loneliness
    • The Project
    • My Team
    • Testimonials
    • Privacy Policy
  • Counseling
    • Personal Counseling & Therapy
    • Couples Counseling
    • OnLine Counseling
    • Support Groups >
      • Divorce Support Group
      • Grief Support Group
      • Therapy Group
      • Relationship Detox Group
      • Inner Peace Support Group
      • Emotional Eating Support Group
      • Student Support Group
      • Registration
  • Workshops
    • On Self-Development
    • On Relationships
    • On Parenting Challenges
    • Registration
  • Blog
    • Loneliness
    • Self-Development
    • Relationships
    • Family
  • BOOKS
    • Books for everyone
    • Books for professionals
    • Book Club
  • CARDS
  • Contact
  • Academy