ANTI-LONELINESS
  • Home
  • About
    • Me
    • Loneliness
    • The Project
    • My Team
    • Testimonials
    • Privacy Policy
  • Services
    • Therapy & Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Online Counseling
    • Supervision
    • Internship
    • Support Groups >
      • Divorce Support Group
      • Grief Support Group
  • Academy
    • Academy for All
    • All Courses
    • From Conflict to Connection
    • How to stop Perfectionism
    • How much of a Perfectionist are you?
    • Burnout Recovery: from exhaustion to resilience
    • How to stop Procrastinating
    • Σεμιναριο για τις σχεσεις
    • Divorce Recovery Programme
    • Grief Recovery Programme
  • Blog
    • Loneliness
    • Self-Development
    • Relationships
    • Family
  • RESOURCES
    • Extra Resources
    • In the Media
    • BOOKS >
      • Books for everyone
      • Books for professionals
    • CARDS
  • Contact
  • Home
  • About
    • Me
    • Loneliness
    • The Project
    • My Team
    • Testimonials
    • Privacy Policy
  • Services
    • Therapy & Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Online Counseling
    • Supervision
    • Internship
    • Support Groups >
      • Divorce Support Group
      • Grief Support Group
  • Academy
    • Academy for All
    • All Courses
    • From Conflict to Connection
    • How to stop Perfectionism
    • How much of a Perfectionist are you?
    • Burnout Recovery: from exhaustion to resilience
    • How to stop Procrastinating
    • Σεμιναριο για τις σχεσεις
    • Divorce Recovery Programme
    • Grief Recovery Programme
  • Blog
    • Loneliness
    • Self-Development
    • Relationships
    • Family
  • RESOURCES
    • Extra Resources
    • In the Media
    • BOOKS >
      • Books for everyone
      • Books for professionals
    • CARDS
  • Contact

How To Overcome Perfectionism in Your Relationship: 5 Ways

2/5/2021

0 Comments

 

How to overcome perfectionism in your relationship: 5 ways

What is Perfectionism in Psychology

Picture
You have probably heard about perfectionism and its most common traits: attention to detail, strive for perfection, unrelenting standards, wanting to be prepared for all cases, struggling to make decisions, fear of failure, intolerance for mistakes, confused priorities, and generally the feeling that one can never rest because what one has done so far is not enough.

You probably think that this applies only to work or work-related tasks: where you are trying to be a better employee, a better manager, or a better student. However, if you have a perfectionist mindset, it’s hard to leave your personal life out of it. Consequently, your relationships may be affected by this mentality and, unfortunately, they will stop being as fun as they used to be, if perfectionism prevails in them.

How Perfectionism Affects Relationships

A perfectionist is more easily disappointed in a relationship than others. If you are one, you probably don’t allow mistakes in the relationship, and if they happen, they mean more to you than what they actually mean to others. As a consequence, you usually feel that your partner is not good enough for you, and there is someone better out there. Or you decide to go your own way, compromising with the idea that it’s better to be by yourself. You view relationships as “too much work” and “there’s no point trying since no one will understand me”.

In order to understand perfectionism in relationships better, let’s focus on the common beliefs or behaviours of someone who is a perfectionist in their relationship. Note: you don’t need to have all of the below-mentioned features; these are some indicative traits, so that you can understand how perfectionism is expressed in your relationship with your partner.
Picture

Perfectionism Test For Relationships

When you are expecting yourself to be a perfect partner:

  • ​You want the "honeymoon" to last forever
  • You try to please your partner and have their needs met all the time
  • After a fight, you are worried that they will change their mind about you or that the relationship is falling apart
  • You view conflict as a failure
  • You work really hard to make the relationship work
  • You place a lot of expectations and roles on yourself and you exhaust yourself trying to meet them
  • You are hyper-vigilant, always looking for mistakes
  • You maximise and overanalyse the significance of small setbacks in your relationship
  • You have a lot of "shoulds" and "musts", rules and theories on "how to be a perfect partner"
  • You are hiding your relationship issues, even from your close friends, trying to preserve the perfect facade​

Related:

How Much of a Perfectionist Are You? [ARTICLE]

When you are expecting your partner to be perfect:

  • You fall in love with an illusion, not the real person
  • You expect them to know what you need without you having to tell them
  • You believe that "If my partner were the right one, we wouldn't disagree so much"
  • You get easily disappointed with your partner
  • You always have one foot out of the door
  • You want to do everything together
  • You focus on how you will "fix" them, their habits and behaviours
  • You cannot focus on the present moment and enjoy it
  • You are strict and judgmental towards your partner's mistakes
  • You don't allow them to take the lead or make decisions
  • You don't like "negative" emotions in the relationship, and you try to keep a positive vibe at all costs
  • You need a plan for the relationship
  • You don't cope well with change and uncertainty
  • You can't forgive them if they fail your expectations
Picture

How To Overcome Perfectionism in Relationships

We know it’s hard to drop perfectionism and to not get disappointed at your partner when they don’t meet your expectations, but is this the kind of relationship you want to have with them? A relationship where you measure each other and you walk around with a (mental) checklist for you or your partner can be extremely exhausting and there is no room for love, fun and connection in there.

Related:

How to Stop Perfectionism and Start Living? [COURSE]

1. Find the roots

First, it’s useful to ask yourself where you have learned this. Perhaps it’s a mindset you “inherited” from your family, where your mother always wanted to have a clean house and be endorsed as the best cook in the neighbourhood, or you have watched your father pretend to his friends that everything in his life was perfect, even though you knew that wasn’t true. Therefore, try to separate their mindset and their values from yours. Now, it’s your turn and you want to be honest and transparent with your relationships and focus on the important, instead of what people will think.
It is extremely useful also to find what is your attachement style and what is your partner's. Perfectionism is related to our attachment style and how we cope with vulnerable feelings, with fears and with rejection. 

2. Remind yourself of the cost of perfectionism

Since there is no such thing as perfection, it is highly possible that if you are looking for the perfect partner, you will keep looking for a long time. It’s painful to look behind and see all the disappointment you felt from your partners and all the goodbyes you had to say when you realised they were not perfect.
Even if you are still in a relationship with a partner, and you see them through the prism of perfectionism, it’s exhausting to change your mind about them all the time, to strictly judge them, to focus on their faults instead of their talents. It’s even sadder to realise only later that there were many beautiful moments, many opportunities for growth and many healthy and positive characteristics in your partner, but you missed them.

Related:

The Pros and Cons of Being a Perfectionist [ARTICLE]

3. Practice acceptance

In this tiny moment where you feel disappointed with yourself as a partner or with your partner lies the chance to practice empathy, compassion, humility and understanding, instead of perfectionism. See them as another human being who is imperfect like all of us. 
Instead of disconnecting from them and starting to think that this is not a relationship that suits you, approach them with vulnerability and curiosity. Practicing acceptance will bring you closer and make you happier. 
Ask each other questions, explore possibilities, go deeper. It’s easy to label one person as "wrong", but it’s more useful to try to understand the deeper truth of their behaviour.

4. Connect with your real needs

Perfection is not a real need. Perfectionism is how we cope for the need for safety. Is there any other way you can bring safety into the relationship? Are there any other needs that are more important here?
To name a few: connection, trust, understanding, validation.
These are the needs that you can never meet if you see others or yourself as imperfect because they make you take distance from others. But these things we need most.

5. Remind yourself of healthy relationship qualities

Healthy relationships practice acceptance, not perfectionism. There is a lot of trust, awareness, forgiveness, compassion, honesty, communication and, most importantly, a vulnerability in them. How liberating and wonderful relationships can be when accepting and imperfect!

You are not alone

Perfectionism is one of the most common conversations in individuals and couples in the therapy room. The perfectionistic mindset where we think that we need to master in everything we do and in the people we choose is more prevalent than you think. But it also leads to a lot of anxiety, depression, loneliness, divorces. 
That's why we are changing it. Here and Now. 

Take action now.

  • Sign up for my newsletter here and get the FREE 40-page guide/workbook on Self-Care filled with practical tips that can make your life more peaceful and balanced.  
  • Get your FREE Guide "How much of a Perfectionist are you?" and find out which of the features you own are highly related to your Perfectionism.
  • Visit AntiLoneliness Academy for more workshops and courses on Self-Growth and Relationships. ​
  • ​Book recommendations on Perfectionism:
    • The CBT workbook on Perfectionism: https://amzn.to/3ri7gb6​
    • The Gifts of Imperfection: https://amzn.to/3sjxtaJ​
    • The Perfectionism Workbook: https://amzn.to/3bHd4q0​
    • How to be an Imperfectionist: https://amzn.to/3cq4tY5​
    • I thought it was just me: https://amzn.to/3d0RIn2​
    • The courage to be disliked: https://amzn.to/2NLXAIa 
  • Watch our videos with Psychology tips and insights on Relationships, Perfectionism, Anxiety, Burnout, etc. 
  • Read our more articles on Relationships and Perfectionism here. ​
  • Don't let anxiety pull you down, contact me and start your own therapy journey in order to get you out of this negative circle. 
  • Join our Facebook page and Instagram page and read more posts about self-development. 
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Relationships

    YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.

    To be with someone else in an intimate relationship means that we entitle them with our love, friendship, partnership, etc, and most of the times this is irrelevant of their talents, values, morals. No skill can lead to an emotional decision. Therefore, we can feel the same passion for a hero or for a coward. Being loved is not something we earned (like a job through an interview), but something that was given to us generously, like an unspoken favor. Thus, love means to live in the eternal coexistence of terror and miracle. (Pascal Bruckner)

    Archives

    December 2022
    November 2022
    July 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    October 2021
    September 2021
    July 2021
    May 2021
    March 2021
    September 2020
    September 2019
    June 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    February 2016
    January 2016
    October 2015

    Categories

    All
    Anger
    Angry
    Anxiety
    Anxious Attachment
    Apologize
    Appreciation
    Attachment
    Avoidance
    Avoidant
    Balance
    Boundaries
    Breakup
    Childhood
    Codependent
    Commitment
    Complicated
    Conflict
    Connection
    Counseling
    Couple
    Couples
    Couples Therapy
    Dating
    Dating Someone With Depression
    Denial
    Disconnection
    Divorce
    Divorce Support Group
    Emotional Needs
    Emotions
    Empathy
    Fear
    Feelings
    Fight
    Forgiveness
    Functioning Depression
    Gaslighting
    Gay
    Giref
    Guilt
    High Functioning Depression Symptoms
    How To Move On
    How To Support Someone With Depression
    Independent
    Interdependent
    Kindness
    Lgbtq+
    Loneliness
    Lonely
    Love
    Marriage
    Mindfulness
    Narcissism
    Narcissist
    Not Good Enough
    Partner
    Pattern
    Perfectionism
    Perfectionist
    Perfect Partner
    Persistent Depressive Disorder
    Persistent Depressive Disorder Symptoms
    Process
    Protection
    Psychologist
    Pursuer
    Rejected
    Rejection
    Relationships
    Responsibility
    Roles
    Rollercoaster
    Sad
    Safety
    Self-worth
    Separation
    Shocked
    Signs
    Support
    Tips
    Toxic
    Trust
    Unconscious
    Understanding
    Unloved
    Vassia Sarantopoulou
    Victim
    Withdraw
    Withdrawer

    RSS Feed

Counseling

Personal Counseling
Couples Counseling
OnLine Counseling 
​
GROUP COUNSELING 

​Grief Support
Divorce Support 
​Therapy Group 

Blog

Loneliness
​Self-Development
Relationships
​Family 

About

Me
​My Team
Contact 
​The Cards
Privacy Policy ​
NIP Psycholoog
Vassia Sarantopoulou
Head Psychologist - Founder of AntiLoneliness

​Therapy for expats and locals 
Leiden - The Hague - online 
​

Member of the Netherlands Institute of Psychologists (NIP)

© COPYRIGHT 2022. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.